Public reaction mixed to news of Pfizer and Moderna vaccine loyalty programs. [Humor]

The recent launch of vaccine loyalty programs by Pfizer and Moderna initially sparked a wave of excitement among consumers hungry to have something to show for multiple rounds of vaccines and boosters. But as additional details become available, public attitudes are shifting, forcing many to reevaluate how best to take advantage of these programs.

When they first heard the news, Karen Jabmoorski, 27, and her husband, Dave, 28, immediately planned to have 12 children. “More arms means more prizes,” noted Karen. “We were going to call it our arm farm,” chuckled Dave. “With 24 arms, we figured we could retire in a couple years and live off the awards we get.”

But then Karen, in a brief period of lucidity through the fog that perpetually surrounds her, recalled that as a recipient of 37 shots herself, she no longer is able to reproduce. “My ovaries actually dried up and dropped out on the floor at my mother-in-law’s house,” Karen recounted. “Totally forgot. My doctor told me it was a ‘perfectly normal’ reaction to those of us in the 25+ shot category.”

Karen and Dave then turned their focus to adoption. “Of course, we would love two-armed children,” said Karen. “But I’ve heard of three-armed kids being born in Africa or Chernobyl or somewhere, so we may wait until we can pick up a few of those. People told us, ‘Radiation or Vaccination, those are the places to look.’ We’re charitable people, so it doesn’t even have to be a full third arm. We’ll take a stump. Just so it’s long enough to get a needle in and we get credit for it.”

Alphonso Pinkushon, 24, immediately came up with a plan to game the system. “Left arm Pfizer, right arm Moderna. I’m gonna stay with Pfizer to the 50 shot level, take their EKG machine, then drop,” explained Pinkushon. “Jack Moderna into both arms and use the EKG to monitor my progress until I get to the space flight level. If I buckle down, I figure it will take me about two years until launch. I can’t wait until I’m up there and really get to look down on everyone.”

But news of the new vaccine loyalty programs brought no joy to people like Akbar Foold’a-Gain, 43. “I bought into the American dream,” he said, tears in his eyes. “One house, one car, one wife, one injection. So I got the J&J shot. But there is no prize for me. How could I’ve been so stupid? In American, one of anything is never enough.”

Foold’ a-Gain now plans to add wives and injections on a one-to-one basis. “For me, beauty is no longer found in the face. Beauty now is a meaty upper arm ready for the needle. Whenever I see a woman with a throbbing vein up there I can’t help myself, and I go get another shot. But no more of that J&J crap. No, now when it’s time for an erection and an injection, I’m a Pfizer Man.”

Tre’Mores Knightly, 8, didn’t hesitate when asked what award he wanted to win. “That Pfizer helmet at 25 shots is really rad,” said Knightly as he picked at injection scabs on his arm. “My mommy tried to get me one, but she stroked out at 22 shots. Whenever she wakes up from her coma, she always encourages me to be strong and get to 25, no matter the cost.”

Moderna’s positioning of its MaxiJab program toward the high end of the market resonated with Spike Sellz, 38. “When I pull out my MaxiJab card and people see it lined with gold-plated fetal embryo tissue, they know I’m a man of distinction,” huffed Sellz. “My MaxiJab card proves I’m better than you and everything I say is right.”

Some, like Paul Shakeaton, 49, expressed concern regarding the awards announced by Pfizer and Moderna. “Pfizer doesn’t mention what country the hospital is in where you’ll get your heart transplant at the 100 shot level,” noted Shakeaton. “They probably outsource you to a third world country like Haiti, Sudan or Arkansas. And I read the fine print on the Moderna program. While it clearly says you will be sent into space, there’s no mention of bringing you back.”

Sadly, news of the vaccine rewards’ programs came too late for some. “My grandma always wanted to be an astronaut,” sobbed Miriam Stroker, 29. “She was old school, tough as nails, I never doubted she could do it, take all those injections and get shot into space. But Covid somehow snuck in and killed her and her dreams. Just like that. Dead. Terminated. Kaput. It was all so sudden and unexpected,” Stroker wailed. “Snuffed out before her time by Covid. And she was only 104 years old.” Stroker shook her head and wondered, “What about me? Whose basement am I going to live in now?”

When asked to comment on the success thus far of its MegaShot loyalty program, Mildred Ujabber, Pfizer’s VP of Perpetual Customer Engagement said, “My understanding is people are rushing vaccine centers in unprecedented numbers to sign up. I can’t share the actual figures with you, but I can say some vaccine sites are so overwhelmed that customers can expect to wait at least 30 to 60 seconds before they can be processed.”

According to Ujabber, plan are underway to co-market the Pfizer vaccine with select partners. “McDonald’s has a McJabber Meal that they’re testing in limited markets. Their stores have to be altered a bit by adding a third window at the drive-thru. You’ll pay at the first window, get an injection at the second, and only then can you go to window three and get your meal.”

“We also have a joint promotion underway with Starbucks,” Ujabber continued. “Anytime a customer says ‘add shot,’ a specially trained team will come up from under the counter and administer an injection to everyone in the store. If anyone objects, they’re instructed to say ‘Sorry, it’s what we thought you said you wanted,’ and then continue with the injection.”

Attempts to reach Bruce Injectus, Moderna’s VP of Customer Sublimation, for an update on its MaxiJab program were unsuccessful. Moderna later announced that Injectus was hospitalized and not expected to live due to a, “totally coincidental, non-vaccine related, perfectly normal, no-need-to-look-into-any further, typically fatal disease for a man with his particular age/height/weight/health and sexual peccadilloes profile.”

Fortunately, his soon-to-be widow Anis, was on hand for his final words. “He looked me square in the face with the one eye that wasn’t drooping,” Anis related. “He leaned forward and whispered, ‘New, improved Soylent Green is triple vaccinated people.’ Then they shoved a tube down his throat before he could say anything else.”