Pfizer and Moderna Announce Frequent Vaxxer Programs [Humor]

Vaccine manufacturers Pfizer and Moderna today announced customer loyalty programs that will provide vax recipients with increasing levels of benefits the more often they choose to receive injections.

Mildred Ujabber, Pfizer’s VP of Perpetual Customer Engagement, explained, “We want the public to think of us like Coke or McDonald’s. Thirsty? Coke. Hungry? McDonald’s. Healthy? Pfizer. Every time an arm reaches out to pick up a Coke or McNugget, we want to be sure a needle with our branding is stuck in it.”

Ujabber explained that awards in the program, named MegaShot, start at the 10 injection milestone. Customers at that level get a reusable icepack for the “perfectly normal” pain and swelling that accompany injections. After 25 shots, customers receive a crash helmet, good for protecting the brainpan following “perfectly normal” collapses post-injection. At the 50 injection mark, customers receive an at-home EKG machine so they can monitor the “perfectly normal” heart problems that routinely follow injections.

“We’re really excited about what’s in store for customers who reach the 100 injection milestone,” noted Ujabber. “I’m not yet able to announce the name of the hospital, but I can tell you we’ve arranged for anyone with 100 injections to receive priority on their heart-transplant waiting list.”

Bruce Injectus, Moderna’s VP of Customer Sublimation, scoffed at Pfizer’s program. “It’s obvious they’re targeting the low-end crowd who think 10 injections is some big deal. We prefer to think of our clients as much more aspirational in nature. For them, 10 injections is a warm-up. Pfizer can go be Kia if it wants; we’re the BMW of vaxxes.”

Consequently, Moderna’s loyalty program, named MaxiJab, offers only two award levels. After 1,000 shots, the recipient will receive a free ride to space in a Blue Origin capsule. After 10,000 shots, the lucky customer will have his/her head removed and transplanted onto the body of a newly born infant.

“For Moderna, it’s all about aspiration. You may not get there. In fact, we’re sure you won’t. But at least you gave it a try. And you get to feel better about yourself for a time by looking down on others who have fewer shots than you.”

Injectus said he encountered opposition from Moderna’s CEO, who questioned the potential impact of the cost of space flights and head transplants on the company’s bottom line.

“’Don’t worry.’ I told him. ‘There’s a reason Pfizer taps out at 100. No one will ever make it that far.’ We had a good laugh and then he gave me a bonus.

As an additional precaution, Injectus mandated a special “booster” for anyone who improbably reaches the 999 or 9,999 injection mark.

“It provides an undeniable boost…..to our bottom line,” explained Injectus. “Sometimes we just have to act like veterinarians, and put people down. For their own good, of course.”

J&J has yet to announce a loyalty program, as executives there attempt to recover from the marketing blunder of initially requiring only one shot.

“We blew it,” said Bells McPalsy, J&J’s Sr. VP of Customer Addiction. “When is one of anything ever better than two, or ten, or a hundred of the same thing? The clown who came up with the one shot idea has already been terminated. We want people to pump our vaccine like they’re pumping a J&J baby shampoo bottle. One pump just ain’t gonna get it done.”