Gutfeld imagines scenario if Hunter’s laptop was taken seriously sooner

Fox News host Greg Gutfeld did a victory stomp all over the New York Times for finally admitting that Hunter Biden’s laptop is real and wondered aloud how the political landscape would be different if it had been taken seriously two years ago and reporting on it hadn’t been censored.

“Did you hear the Hunter Biden laptop is real? Oh, and this just in too — so is 50 percent of Kat’s hair. Take a breath. It really is amazing. After the contentious 2020 election and more denial than Charlie Sheen at an AA meeting, The New York Times now admits, ‘Sure, OK, that laptop full of politically damning stuff about Joe and Hunter Biden is more legit than M.C. Hammer at the ’91 Grammys.’ That’s an old reference,” the conservative pundit joked during his opening monologue on his show “Gutfeld!” Thursday.

“Of course, this is nearly two years after an election that Joe might have lost if all that info hadn’t been buried by the media and tech industries at the behest of their buddies in the Democrat political machine,” he continued.

“So now a massive report on the ongoing federal probe into Hunter’s taxes has confirmed that yes, the infamous laptop indeed exists,” Gutfeld revealed.

“In other news, Putin is psychotic, Biden is old, and I collect water from used water beds. It’s delicious. A lot of fiber,” Gutfeld quipped.

He went on to point out that the New York Post was right all along when they reported in October of 2020 on the missing laptop showing up in a repair shop in April 2019, noting, “it contained enough filth to make Pornhub wish they were Christian Mingle.”

“Besides hardcore porn films starring Hunter himself — my favorite, ‘Who Is My Daddy?’ ‘Hunter the G******,’ and of course, ‘The Big Guy.’ The laptop also contained financial documents in messages between Hunter, his family, and business associates. You know, the kind who still wear beepers,” Gutfeld smirked.

“It all showed how the future president’s son used his pop as political leverage in gaining overseas business dealings involving everyone from China to, yes, even Ukraine. Talk about collusion. Except no, you couldn’t talk about this collusion. The one where the Big Guy, a.k.a. Joe, a.k.a. the Scratch-and-Sniffer, stood to make millions off Hunter making it rain,” he remarked.

“Hunter was like one of the strippers he b****. He’d show up, wiggle his a**, i.e., his connection to daddy, and the green would flow. He wasn’t just a son, he was a table dancer from the VIP room, climbing all over the laps of foreign powers in exchange for padding his dad’s bank accounts. Makes selling your nose doodles at an art gallery look respectable,” Gutfeld snarked.

Then, he alluded to a comment from President Joe Biden about “intimate relationships.”

“I bet everybody knows somebody somewhere along the line that’s in an intimate relationship. What happened was, the guy takes a revealing picture of his naked friend or whatever in a compromising position, and then literally sends blackmails or mortifies that person. Send it out. Put it online,” Biden asserted.

“Just read it in a magazine at the dentist’s office — you hear about this thing? Now you’d think Joe might see the hypocrisy in all that. Everybody knows somebody who’s been filmed in compromising positions. Well, maybe so, but they didn’t write, act, direct and pay the other actors in blow. Yes, it’s your son, and he was doing the filming and the acting, and also the blow. Maybe he does have a future in Hollywood,” Gutfeld posited.

“So what and who is being compromised here? The hookers, the drug dealers, the Motel 6s? No, it was the Biden family, Hunter, then Joe, then ultimately the presidency. Not exactly a simple case of sexting or revenge porn,” he commented.

“I wonder how many people had to be paid off because of that compromised situation, which is why that laptop had to be dead and buried like it was friends with Hillary Clinton,” the Fox News hosts stated. “And it’s why you don’t know Jack about the others in the sex tapes or the drug dealers. But unlike Joe’s teeth, the laptop — it’s real. Of course, it doesn’t matter now, does it? Well, it kind of does.”

“Would Putin have invaded Ukraine if Trump were still in office? Even Dems have asked that question because everyone knows you need a bada** to deal with a psychopath. And Putin isn’t some fictional character named Corn Pop,” he contended.

“Twitter and Facebook suspended the New York Post for covering this story. Then they suspended and blocked users for even mentioning it. If you wanted collusion, it was staring back at you from your iPhone,” he pointed out.