SATIRE: King Joe III Condemns Insurrectionists – Where Revolutionaries Formed a New Gov't

Satire: King Joseph III sent a clear message to Americans who want to preserve their traditional self-government last night as his guards took over Independence Hall (since more appropriately renamed Intersectionality Hall) and King Joe delivered his speech against all those insurrectionists, revolutionaries, and Sons of Liberty who dared to resist his orders to surrender their guns and sign an oath of loyalty to his supreme majesty.

“Come on, chap!” King Joe roared, his crown slipping to one side in his frenzy as he shook his fists against his backdrop, red as the blood of his enemies and the fires of his native home. “You can’t be pro-insurrectionist and pro-America!” The crowd of dozens gathered around the Hall where insurrectionist revolutionaries formed a new government to preserve their liberties from a senile dictator applauded with enthusiasm. “Don’t be like that dude Jefferson!” King Joe continued, gesticulating toward a statue of George Washington. “He owned slaves and delivered sexist speeches about forefathers at Gettysburg. Surrender your weapons! Don’t you trust your government?”